news of palestinian puppet tarabisho's call for violence swept the world recently. and, after american puppet w had already managed to start a couple wars across the globe, it was only a matter of time before more puppets started getting riled up

the violence hit the streets of sesame this past weekend as forces led by elmo set out to rid the world of the "so-called muppets, who aren't even good enough to have their own show. and don't even get me started on their films"

dozens are dead or missing and presumed dead

elmo made his first play for power last week, when he interuppted a plea by bleeding heart prairie dawn for peace and love. "we will not stand for this peace and love bullshit anymore," elmo said. "it's time puppets wake up and smell the world as it is. first we get the muppets out of our way, then on to the humans. no more will we be operated by sticks and hands stuck into our backsides. now is the time when we stand on our own and show the world what being from the street is all about"

a systematic "cleansing" followed, with morally bankrupt puppets first on the trashheap. first went bert (who, despite rumors to the contrary, was not an evil mastermind but just an evil homosexual) and ernie, lifelong companions who had recently demanded the right to marry. next went kami, a south african import with hiv, "who had to have gotten that from a queer," according to elmo's trusted advisor (and rumored true leader of the "resistance") oscar the grouch. sitting in his trashcan, stroking his pet slimey, oscar further called for the destruction of big bird before ordering the march on the "muppets"

it wasn't long before the first net broadcast, the easily recognizable green limbs of kermit the frog beneath a canvas hood, on the floor in the background, gonzo and fozzie bear, also wearing hoods. and, elmo and zoe stood behind kermit. "let this be your first lesson," elmo announced before tearing the marionette sticks from the backs of kermit's elbows. then, soaked in the frog's blood, and ignoring the cries of pain as best he could, elmo proceeded to saw away the beloved frog's head

on larry king, miss piggy demanded a response, a show of force that would put "these street folk" in their place

but, sam the eagle (turning against his muppet brethren) entered the studio with a group of singing cows and the cookie monster and the porcine beauty was taken into custody as an "enemy of the street"

american puppet w put a call through to elmo, congratulating him on his success thus far, but wondered about the manhattan (taken, as many will remember, in 1984) enclave of muppets and what could be done about these insurgents

elmo went to his trusted advisor, oscar and demanded a plan that would rid the world of the infidel muppets. and, thus came operation chocolate chip: millions of chocolate chip cookies would be delivered to manhattan, through, among other means, the 83 mcdonald's restaraunts there. then, after the manhattanites and the muppets had gorged themselves on super-sized meals and chocolate cookies, the cookie monster (starved for four days prior to the operation) was sent in. the stench of chocolate chip cookies was everywhere, and the cookie monster began to eat in no time, and he ate and he ate and he ate

and, then, in the last toy store on manhattan, the last of the muppets, led by beaker and bunsen honeydew, fashioned a dirty bomb and destroyed themselves, taking the now gargantuan cookie monster with them

waldorf and statler were heard to say "good show, but we've still got hands up our asses"

"if only puppet w could reveal his true puppet nature to the world and get the national guard on our side," elmo lamented. oscar handed elmo a cynaide capsule then laughed and stroked his pet worm some more. "you're young, elmo. you couldn't have been expected to win against such powerful opponents, but you made your mark." elmo took his capsule and died. "yes, you made your mark," oscar repeated. then, he took out his cell phone and made a call

"tarabisho, it's oscar. the street is clear whenever you've finally given up on the west bank"

note: obviously, the names above don't really have anything to do with any actual muppets or denizens of sesame street, and no puppets were harmed in the production of this essay