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the name of my twin who does not exist
had i been twins, i would have been robert ellsworth and richard gilbert black
robert is my father and a piece of my son
ellsworth is my grandfather who i never met
gilbert is my grandfather who i met but only remember from photographs
black is a long line brought down from the scottish highlands like the 'bright fame' promised by robert
but richard is an illusion, a brother that perhaps i consumed in the womb
he's an imaginary piece of who i've come to be
is he my creative side, the side that makes me angry when i don't want to be?
is he the deep dark center that holds all my secrets inside?
was he there the night i destroyed her world?
was he there that day i was hurt as a child?
was he there that first time i kissed a girl i shouldn't have been alone with?
was he there the first time i had sex with a girl wrong for me but who i thought i was damaged enough to deserve?
was he there when i finally managed a better choice?
or was that me?
is it all me, every hard choice, every easy choice, every good choice, every bad choice?
am i to blame all on my own for all the damage i've done to me and mine?
is richard nothing but a convenient lie?
or an inconvenient fact of who i could have been if the pieces of me were separated from birth?
might i have, in some alternate world, been someone better, less broken, by an imaginary name or my own hand?
or am i simply me, in all worlds?
just me
just robert
just ellsworth
just gilbert
just black
regb
2-10-13